NOC'S GUIDE TO QUICKLY DETERMINING REASONS FOR OUTAGE
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Circumstance of Outage		Reason for Outage
-----------------------------   ------------------------------------
Customer is in Florida		Bare cooper wiring is is
				contact with an automated
				sprinkler system.

AT&T Ninja Special Forces 	Multiple simultaneous fibercuts.

Unspecified Daytime Outage	Abnormal sunspot activity in the
				outer corona.

Unspecified Nocturnal Outage	Vampire rats chewing through
				cable trunks; see also:  Moonbeams

POP LAN is hosed		Drunk/high dispatcher

Telco technicians decide	NYNEX Brand Crack.  25% pure.
to suddenly take down
circuits for intrusive
testing in the middle
of the day.

Telco technicians ask you	NYNEX Brand Crack.  50% pure. 
to define "circuit".

Blown Circuit Breaker		Passer-by played with the external
				boxes on the building which contained
				our circuit breakers.

Canada is Down			They figured out the passwords to their
				routers and have begun administering
				them.