From nc0691@noc.netcom.net Thu Jan 23 20:30:47 1997
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 10:23:17 -0800 (PST)
From: Jason Newquist <nc0691@noc.netcom.net>
To: NOC Level 1 Staff <noc-level1@noc.netcom.net>
Subject: A Modest Proposal

*** CONFIDENTIAL DRAFT ***

To:	Executive Council, Netcom Online Communications, Inc.

From:	Bud McSwathey, <bud@noc.netcom.net>

Re:	Improvement of the State of Unmanned Points of Presence
	through Population Enhancement and Live-in Procedures

Purpose:	To explain the benefit of using the Creatures of
		Makebelieve in Netcom points of presence.

Rationale:	Netcom Online Communications, Inc. is beleaguered by not
		having personnel available at each of our Points of
		Presence ("POP"s) during times of outage or maintenance.
		Relying on Novadyne for dispatches and maintenance is
		inefficient and expensive.  Another solution must be
		found.

Proposal:	It has come to our attention that with the crushing of
		most pagan religions over the past centuries, whole
		species of mythical and folk creatures have been
		experienced a condition of situational displacement.

		By taking advantage of these creatures, the Company
		will be able to provide its customers with service-
		level guarantees, a holy grail among Internet service
		providers.

		Based on preliminary service contract negotiations,
		the Company seems closest to a contract with the
		Little People, a subset of the greater segment of
		fairy folk.

		In particular, Michael Fritsche has made progress in
		determining a specific contingent of staff for each
		POP in the following distribution:

			2 Gnomes (1 of which is Site Supervisor)
			1 Leprechaun
			1 Homunculus (living inside the head of the
				Site Supervisor)

		After continued negotiations, it has been determined
		the the Gnome in charge will get to wear a sombrero.

Implementation:	At this point, any implementation notes are preliminary.
		A draft of the proposal is as follows:

		- NOC will act as the central point of contact to the
		  gnomes.  In particular, Ralph Pearson will take on
		  the additional role of Liason to the Gnomes.

		- First Level escalations will be handled through
		  the Gnome Supervisor's Homunculus.

		- Gnome site personnel will be authorized to steal
		  cabling and replacement equipment from nearby
		  POPs belonging to other ISPs.

		- Site Leprechaun personnel are responsible for
		  actual repairs and POP LAN configuration.  We are
		  making a complete Drummel tool set available to
		  each leprechaun, as well as a bottle of Windex.
		  Dan Mojica will conduct training sessions on
		  proper power tool usage in a POP environment.

		- Additional staff in the form of elves might
		  be considered for staffing at each hub.

Challenges:	At this point, the greatest challenge is in the area
		of inter-departmental belief acquisition.  At this
		point, only NOC personnel seem to be able to see,
		communicate and drink beer with these Little People.
		Experimental data indicate that Access Engineering,
		Installation Coordination and Computer Operations
		staff are what has been termed "gnomishly-challenged".

		Maintaining on-site facilities for 24 hour living
		space is another area which is which requires
		fiscal feasibility investigation.  The spokesfolk
		for the Little People are requesting hammocks to be
		strung between machine tacks for the gnomes, a
		nest of fur and feathers placed underneath the
		largest on-site cisco for the leprechaun, and upon this
		self-same cisco a severed head can be installed and warmed
		for the homunculus.  Negotiations continue.
	
Feedback:	We are making this message available to NOC staff
		in the hopes of getting further perspective-instantiated
		feedback relating to the acquisition and negotiation
		of this contract.

------------------------------------------------
Jason Newquist, Netcom Network Operations Center
jnewquist@noc.netcom.net    San Jose, California